Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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