No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
