I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She even gives head with a lisp.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Randomize
