There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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