Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
