Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
