I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
