the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How does it feel to date your dad?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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