Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
