All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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