I'm laying in your front yard are you home
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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