just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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