i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
