a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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