If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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