Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
