How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
