I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize