Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He shit in the fireplace
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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