I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize