dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
