I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
