you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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