NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
