i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
