New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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