It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
