Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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