im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize