Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
