I'm lost and stupid without you.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
