After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm at about main and main street
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
