I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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