I'm really into asian looking animals
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
