I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
