So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
