My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
