I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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