I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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