Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
