Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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