your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
