Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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