What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
