i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
