Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
