i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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