i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize