For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The air was thick with penises
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize