one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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