Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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