i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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