i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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