I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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