I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
