i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
