I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
