forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
