I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
