He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
