Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
