Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
