im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize