she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
