It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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