Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
