I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
