***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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