I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
